""I wasn't," he replied. It wanted to be a water-melon. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. 129. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. 18 Why do birds fly over trailer parks upside down? 291. We finally asked the son where his father was. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. Help, Ive fallen and I cant giddy up. The space bar. The letter V! If you pronounce Uranus correctly (Eur-uh-nus) then this joke makes no sense A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Because we all know being able to laugh about sex is the key to every lasting relationship anyway. One Of The Best Long Jokes For Adults. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe youre sure youve been to before? Let's be honest - dirty jokes can be a hit or a miss. My grief counselor died. 97. A Maybe. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 78. What does a pig put on dry skin? 179. How do you tell if a vampire is sick? It had buck teeth. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle reporter at TODAY.com with more than a decade of experience writing across an array of channels including home, health, holidays, personal finance, shopping, food, fashion, travel and weddings. 238. 286. What does it take to make an octopus laugh? 121. ", A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. An echurnity! He was good at bacon. What do Martians like to drink? Dj brew. Why did the school kids eat their homework? ", the others ask. A father-in-law. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. Which superhero hits home runs? What do you call spaghetti in disguise? Whats the worst he can do there, besides rattle the bars? Share these funny dirty jokes that are so raunchy people need to wash their ears when they hear them! A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. They cantaloupe. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? They are worth a good eye roll from them! The stork-market! 119. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Whats an astronauts favorite candy? Thanks Ill never part with it! Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? In a hambulance. But don't worry, by the time you find it, we're sure you'll be cracking up. A facepalm. A philosiraptor. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. Minnesota (as in, mini-soda). Then why not share them with your friends? Launch. "Her next announcement came six hours later: "Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available. ", "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. A fence. 253. Why aren't there any restaurants on the moon? Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. One redneck looks to the other and says: Man, I sure wish I could do that. The other redneck says: Maybe if you pet him first.. 134. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. Herein, we've rounded up the 50 funniest jokes that are so silly they're practically sunshine. I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first. In inchesthey dont have feet. Tickle its balls. And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heterosexual!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); Wow! Jim said, You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker! The Dean nodded. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again. Well, Bubba began, We wuz havin a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?. My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. It was a nice jester. As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. She has lost all her matches!". What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. 260. Creative Dreadlock Business Names. 46. A happy uncle. Where do you learn to make banana splits? My dog sat on a piece of sandpaper. He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse? When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.". 49. ", This is a really bad adaptation of the proper joke, which stars a moth. Even the cake was in tiers. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. What do you call a dog thats been run over by a steamroller? He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. He ordered some. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child? They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs. "His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. Itll be okay, son. Watch while I prove it to you.". A gents! I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. He says to his dragon friend, "I'm so bored of tinned food." 217. What's stranger than seeing a catfish? What do you call a famous turtle? One of the hunters pushed forward, Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. Choose from A-line dresses in sizes XXS-4XL and T-shirt dresses in sizes XS-XXL. It was looking for a byte to eat. ""My God!" What do you call someone who doesnt like carbs? Why did the can crusher quit his job? But it helps. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? funny dreadlocks jokesharvey korman net worth at death. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room. Whats the best way to woo a math teacher? 80. Unfortunately, this is too true . it is also sad and wrong. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Two dragons walk into a bar. The Lock Up. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. "Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money. How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? Sure enough, there was a panda. Whats with this? No anti-jokes here to leave you wondering why they were funny. Why did the developer go broke? 40 New Year's Jokes That Will Have You Laughing into 2023. The punchline is "I only came in because the light was on. Because they know all the short cuts! What do you call a lazy kangaroo? 269. 131. 51. Two young salmon are swimming along one day. Micro-waves. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. He got 12 months. We find we learn so much about each other. 103. "The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" We respect your privacy. Because it was cultured. A four-chin teller. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? They always hog the road. 148. Because he was a little shellfish. People who dont like fast food! I'm really good at sleeping. The man replied: "You can't do this. Dont forgetWould You Rather Questions (while these arent jokes). What type of sandals do frogs wear? Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.. So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. 62. "See that over there? What kind of fish loves going to battle? But you need to wear these condoms to stop me from getting pregnant. So they have a Ball.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'humoropedia_com-box-4','ezslot_6',196,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-box-4-0'); A week later, one of these redneck farmers says to his mate: Are you still worried she got pregnant? His mate says: Naw, not really. Then he replies: LETS TAKE THESE CONDOMS OFF THEN., Two rednecks were sitting on a porch. 233. Error occurred when generating embed. "I just need to outrun you. Two guys walk into a bar. 229. He found his honey. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? He was sad and had no motivation. They're a boar. Q: Who's there? 41. 300 Funny Jokes Have a good laugh over these clean jokes you can tell your friends and kids without getting in trouble! 209. asked the operator.He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. The cornertheyre usually 90 degrees. My thermometer just broke.". Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened?, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. Because the bed wont go to you! Ask her anything! He wanted to be a Smartie. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea. Share a giggle with these funny jokes! Everything I looked at. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), I Felt So Shaken Up: Woman Leaves Family Trip After Eavesdropping On Husbands Conversation With Mother-In-Law, AITA? Women's Funny Dreadlocks Quotes dresses designed and sold by independent artists. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. A parrot. These food jokes are on little cards so you can put them in a lunch box. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. 120. 297. He couldnt see himself doing it. Why is Peter Pan always flying? 145. Its tricera-bottom! "Why are you here again? it's pretty much a universal fact that petting or even spotting a dog in the street can lift your mood. It was framed. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives. 262. What did one plate say to the other? The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?. They always get a flush 23. The waiter asks, Would you like anything? The bear responds, No, Im stuffed.. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. What has four wheels and flies? She was hit by the zamboni. What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree? 256. Why dont blind people skydive? What do you call a beehive without an exit? Thunderwear. Billionaire Mindset On Dreads Dreadlocks Crazy Hair. 67. Well, a variety of dizzyingly charming topics, for starters! 75. Follow me on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram for all my latest updates. What do you call a hippies wife? A dumb blonde joke? Or, a less awkward one anyway. Also an owner of 0.0028 Bitcoin. What does corn say when you give it a compliment? Well my wifes so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we dont even have a TV. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. 115. 142. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative. The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay? 5 But the pilot objected he said, The plane can take out only four of your elk. A brick. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Why wouldnt the shrimp share his treasure? To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. I don't file my nails. 261. Half a worm. What makes cars not work properly when you change wheels? Why do melons have weddings? Shutterstock A carrot! Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? ", asks the bartender. Hour you doing? When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. The second boy goes into the kitchen and Dad again asks what is wanted for breakfast. BANGBANG..BANG..BANG! Because he was always spotted. Carl had a big swollen nose.Whoa, what happened, Carl?, Max asked.I sniffed a brose, Carl replied.What?, Max said. All of the fans left. You mustang out with me. 273. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? The Muslim man is driving through a rural town in Alabama when is was pulled over by a redneck police officer. A dinosaur was in a car accident. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. 4. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Why was six scared of seven? 247. Where do hamburgers go dancing? After an intense day of Googling and scrolling, he likes to lose himself in League of Legends or make a couple pretzels while practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. 89. Between you and me, something smells! Where do young trees go to learn? What doesnt get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Why did the tomato blush? 139. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Did you hear the one about the roof? A swordfish! What do you call a sleeping bull? Where do elephants store their clothes? The Bored Panda iOS app is live! They always take things literally. A soccer match. (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww. Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults 21. Ok": Employee Leaves Work During An Emergency Because Manager Wouldn't Approve His Overtime, Clueless Director Calls For A Meeting Over Mass Resignation After Company Cancels WFH, Employee Explains It In A Way He Would Understand, 30 Informative And Fun Food Charts For Anyone Trying To Eat Smarter, Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, Couple's Plan To Outwit Another Passenger Before Takeoff Backfires As The Stranger Ends Up With A Whole Free Row In Return, Woman Wears Red Dress To Cousin's Wedding To Show That She Slept With The Groom First, But The Bride Outsmarts Her, 30 Of The Best It Doesnt Work Like That Tales Shared By Representatives Of Different Professions, Old Photos In Real Life: 35 Pics That Show How Much Time Affects Everything (New Pics), Im Not Coddling Her Anymore: After Years Of Walking On Eggshells Around Her Childless Sister, This Mother Stands Up For Her Son. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Fish and ships. So we're asking drivers for donations. ""Yes," sighs the husband. 234. 287. he shouted. 268. A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? When do you need to climb the ladder? One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. When he is talking to the Dean at the college, the Dean says to Jim: You will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic. Please enter your email to complete registration. Is it mine or the machines?". Why was there a bug in the computer? She gets out and says I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. I can even do it with my eyes closed. Cricket. Why did the picture go to jail? Take a look at this collection of jokes and have a good time! He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. What do you call a pig that does karate? Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. 223. 203. 278. What is it?The attorney replied, The pictures are of you with your secretary., I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? We will not publish or share your email address in any way. A nervous wreck. ""Thank you. What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? Cauli-flower. It gets toad away. Where do you find a dog with no legs? How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!. Why cant Chuck Norris use the internet? ", I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. ", A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Why do sharks live in salt water? "30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM. The third guy ducks. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! What is the tallest building in the entire world? Curses! 271. ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. Because of all the sand which is there! Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Two walkie talkies got married. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. Friends buy you lunch. A dragon sees two knights and sighs. "Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. 228. What does a ghost wear to splash in puddles? Where do pirates get their hooks? He was looking a little green. The first redneck says, My wifes so damn stupid the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we dont even have a bike.. What do you call a cold dog? If the answer is positive, scroll down below to check them all out! Dam. What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? A Mars bar. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. 55. When they need to vent. How can you tell its a dogwood tree? 60. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. 100. The man jumps up screaming, grabs his trousers, and runs home to tell his father. ""That's odd," answers the man. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? Logic? What do planets sing in a choir? Because people are dying to get in. The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?The man replied, These are my penguins. Because he used up all his cache. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. 38. What do cheerleaders eat for breakfast? The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese? ", 400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. Sneakers wont help you outrun that bear." Ask why the tomato blushed? The gravy train. Do you know a funny joke? Why did the Football Coach go to the bank? Why do birds fly south for the winter? ", A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.I charge $50 for three questions, the lawyer says.Thats awfully steep, isnt it?, the guy asks.Yes, I suppose so, the lawyer replies. Today is my first day as a cab driver I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.". Share. 44. With a cow-culator. Shutterstock Aye matey! 65. I will never forget some of these, and you better believe my friends are hearing them. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The ocean. Your account is not active. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. This happened a few times as the lady found it really amusing. When it is ajar. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. 259. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. The site is full of free patterns, downloads and I hope plenty of inspiration. Hey, bud! Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Cloud nine. What do you call a bear with no teeth? "The farmer didn't answer. Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels. It's a knight light. What do sea monsters eat? "Yeah, sorry. A desserter. I heard they bonded.