I do not respect him at all but I do love him. The "My Husband Won't Do Half the Housework" Fallacy. The 14 years prior were normal 9-5 for both of us (well it was actually it was more 8-6, but you get the point). Im angry, resentful, depressed and had enough. Feeling fed up, lonely and totally shattered both physically and mentally. In a lot of cases, great people end up sidelined in favor of the average and mediocre ones who are able to manipulate their way into the job by giving all of the correct answers to interview questions. I should be more patient with my husband as it is so hard on him for not being able to find a work. I havent though because I know if I do then where will we live? I am getting away from this man. Is your husbands role in their lives good for them, on balance? Thats infuriating if I let myself think about it. and now when Im burnt out and falling apart, hes not being very supportive at all.saying Im overreacting. Most of society accepted this and did not see this as somehow unfair in any way. I know men on here seem to think we are all just whiny women that just want money. Since we have been together he has had 4 jobs, he just quit his 4th job without a back up. The most important thing to remember is its him, its something about his lack of respect for others his employers. Hard when you have barely enough money to feed yourself, let alone another. You already know your answer. Just seems like a case of people picking some real winners and somehow feeling as though they are stuck with these people at this point in their lives. Since then he has had one job for a few months last summer, but that ended in September and he has been unemployed since. Respect, responsibility and appreciation. He doesn't respond well to this. To start with I have never really seen him work hard before but hes had reasons. I dont know what to do with him. He surfs on the net all day for the SAME stupid stuff all the time, never even looks at jobs. Unfortunately, that means I have to 50 hours a week or more. Since its summer I have started working 4x per week and am trying to find a second job but in september we are back to this. No apologies: hes driving a Kia Optima that he pays for with his unemployment. I have a Degree with 2 masters, I have worked all over the UK and US, but I have no job! Ive just come across it and want to say that as a partner of an unemployed man who Ive been supporting for nearly a yearthis time.i agree that its not all about the poor unemployed person who must feel stressed n guilty etc.try working 50hrs a week and paying all the bills while ur partner stays home and doeswell,who knows whatgets up at midday..then talk about stress. We had a baby a year ago and he is also a great stepdad to my child from a previous marriage that was very short. I lost my job & my husband doesnt want to support my financial during my difficult time, Ive been looking for a job every single day but nothing so far!! My employer was gracious enough to allow me to work from home, and already had business in the state I moved to, plus the nature of my job is such that working on line is efficient for them, so they allowed me to move and still work. There is a big gap between my boyfriend and me. Stir up some excitement by finding fun ways to get your husband mentally involved in the chores. Im crumbling : (. Since then nothing, down to our sex is the same. So it probably isnt a case of people not trying hard enough or not seriously looking for work. In many cases, there simply isnt work to be found unless you have some kind of specialty like a degree in the medical field or something. I probably need to see a therapist. For one, is our partner willing to change and adapt to new realities? Yesterday i got home and she told me in tears that she didnt want to be here any more. They realize that you are probably going to feel like Tom Brady hypothetically being rejected by The Cleveland Browns and this is how they want you to feel, shocked, in disbelief and hurt. He does laundry, for example, or has nothing to wear. We are to the point where we need so many things and are falling behind on everything. Give support. Yes, we are talking about it and we both know we want it, but there is no firm plan. My husband has been essentially out of work for 5 years. 4. Losing a home we had created, my marriage, my closest friend, his family, and an idyllic lifestyle because I had been too pigheaded to work at a certain type of job led to a massive depression. I came across this website not because my partner is lazy or unemployed. Spouse works with you to keep your living arrangements suitable. Youll see that given enough respite, you will have more energy to carry on your daily tasks until the Great News arrives. Keep up a daily practice however much as could reasonably be expected. And of course, that is quite understandable as this is not the traditional or even proper way (IMO) for things to be done in a marriage or family. Have a harder shell. Ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years now. I want to own a home and he literally laughs at that. He feels a minimum wage job is below him and spends his entire day online, doing what I dont know. So naturally, they not only want to prevent that from happening, they want to send your partner away feeling less than and thinking that something must be lacking within themselves to make them not good enough to even be offered the position that they (your partner) thought (and was probably correct) that they would be perfect for. I saw the loving compliments he said to her and the way he tore me down in comparison to her in his msgs to her. It wouldnt be so bad if my husband would contribute his fair share of the house work but he spends most of his time feeling sorry for himself and playing video games. someone who is in it to win it or just a fair weather paether! My husband retired from teaching 17 years ago and became a "couch potato," while I have fortunately continued working since then in a pleasant and creatively satisfying administrative job. You mentioned that in an ideal world, you would have worked harder earlier in your marriage to make things more equitable. on Wednesday, June 27th, 2012 at 8:09 am. It will not get better and who wants to wait and see anyway?? Please let him get a job sooner than later, not sure how we are going to keep up with this, year after year. I hate saying these things because then I sound selfish but IM TIRED. Married 17 years have 1 child in High School. Avoid criticisms and judgments such as, "You never do any housework! First it was an industry crisis. Kick his lazy ass to the curb! He'll change the cat litter box. His unemployment benefits ran out last October, and I am now the sole source of income. He always complains we dont ever do anything together but doesnt alleviate any of the chores from my shoulders so we can get done and have time together. Like his own father, my husband also won't do dishes. I try to lead the family in growing in God but that too, is futile when youre not on the same page and Ive learned trying to force faith of a partner is its own form of manipulation. He codes, I have seen him and he works all night learning and building his website. Its not much, but she wont take more and she snaps if I offer. Jonathan Anderson gets one of the first qualities of great fashion that it has to feel a bit strange. Good luck and much happiness in the future to all of us. And I lost count of how many times someone was scolded for blowing/passing up an incredible opportunity. When in reality that so called opportunity was little more than a scam or wasnt all it was cracked up to be. I never wanted to be where I am right now and spent my younger years working and studying so I wouldnt have to be! He says the other people are to blame, but I see how he is here and Im inclined to disagree with him or at least say that he is at least part of the problem. There are countless jobs out there were help is desperately needed, if this person truly were looking they would have found something/anything by now. I wish he could just be a man that helps support his family. Now he told our 10 year old daughter that I should be working harder when he has been unwilling to look at any job that isnt THE perfect job. Afterwards, he said he wanted to try medical coding. We are adults. You can also use GoodTherapy.org to look for a therapist here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html or call our toll-free Find-A-Therapist line at 888-563-2112, ext. He worked once since we have been together for a month but stopped goin because he didnt want to take a day off when our daughter was sick. I think the thing that keeps me holding on is the fact that my husband cooks, cleans, and takes care of his own kids. If I could go back to work I would but the situation im in with not having a car and having to make sure my son is properly cared for is standing in the way. So it ended like this. Hi I am Mrs Y too, yet I am not the wife I am the girlfriend. Depression can completely kill a persons drive or ambition to do anything including looking for-obtaining work, finding a hobby or performing chores. Im not in a position financially to throw $250 away in counseling without him making effort at the other requirements. Then the revival turned into stagnation again. I am in disbelief. During our last big fight about it I told him that he had to have a real sustaining job in the next six months or I was leaving, then I started sobbing because he made me give him an ultimatum he made me into the kind of woman I never wanted to be. All he said was that he had given me so much. It really makes her appear rather greedy like she only cares about the extra money I was bringing in as opposed to caring about me and my well being. I ended up taking care of them when they were unemployed. Grow up and take action or remain silent. Actually I just feel like Ive failed my son, hes the reason I just let it happen because I dont want him to feel like mommy and daddy are gonna leave him or its his fault. Not that them making six million dollars a year would excuse their behavior or make them any more tolerable. Its like hes obsessed with this. We still have sex 2-3x/week but it used to be everyday and used to be much better. These are the people who does not grow up. Wow! Do I dump him?? I dont talk to anyone really about this, it is really getting to me, I worry work is suffering and myself and my brain just cant take it and I am distracted all the time. Go ahead, sit on the sidelines snd advise us to kick him to the curb. i was very hurted myself. ALOT. I feel like I just read your post but you were talking about me! We were tied down to only one vehicle and he does attend school part time, 12 hours a week. With the next interview, we hope hell get hired. But it does not mean you can not make yourself happy even under an adverse environment. One thing for sure..I will receive no medals for my efforts to try and make this marriage work. He recently left a sales job he was struggling with. Thinking all he needs is an open door, only for it to swing open, but he walks away making up some damm excuse why he cant take the job and of course you only find this out until after youre married. Simply being willing to hear, and understand, your partner is a powerful, and effective, first step in reestablishing connection and solving this problem.. A lot of time even they separated from their abusive partner and safe. Only later I found out the reason, my future brother -in-law was lazy, inconsistent, did not work hard enough and was not contributing toward the business. I have been in both places. It has gotten to the point where everything he says and does aggravates me and I have NO compassion for him whatsoever. Emotional labor is a habit that is practiced rather than the result of a persons personality or some sort of character trait, Poss said. I feel sometimes like Im his only solace. Part of HuffPost Relationships. Pinging is currently not allowed. My significant other (of 26 years) worked in the MSP industry, and was making pretty good money at the time, so we could still manage to support our high rent, and the two new cars that we had purchased over the last couple of years to commute to our jobs. However,I I have been identified by my wife as the main contributor of stress in her life, something she cannot endure any longer. The man claims he doesn't need to do any housework . He has made many mistakes in the past, distant and more recently, but has made considerable effort to clean up his act in those aspects of his life, except for where I am concerned. Hell owe back-child-support when he finally gets employed. Not our relationship but life. Therefore, understand his capabilities and begin with a little at a time. And promptly blew it. He left his last job without informing me to be an entrepreneur. However, I noticed that after I set firm rules about things I will and wont accept, he started to take responsibility for various things. The reality is, in life, you will be both victim and villain. If youre strong enough to put up with this crazy man then fine.. but hes effected your elderly parents to the point that theyre starving and you STAY? From what Ive read, I guess I should just leave. I believe im not the only one facing this problem here.. I like this article and really feel for Ms. Y but the suggestions to deal with it impossible. I was fired from a great job in the housing building materials industry in 2010. The same thing happened at my previous job. Dear girl, He is looking and is on the computer a lot applying for positions but it doesnt seem to get results. I saved enough money to last me just over 5 years, and have family help if needed which I dont take. David, I think for most women with long-term unemployed spouses its not about being money-grubbing at all. This pretty much doesnt leave us a lot to work with- and yes, this is insurance on the healthcare exchange. The last three shes totaled about 3 months of work. This was the job women had. I believe he wants to work but Im not convinced hes doing everything he can to get it. It is not the answer!!! Its what I did and I make a decent salary (the only thing keeping us afloat right now). So yesturday he left but he left all his belongings behind. He is a handyman and I do thankhim for that but financial support is needed as well. I returned to work after my year-long maternity leave and only then he started looking. Its a vicious familial cycle. Im having a little trouble understanding what is being written by women on here. Your marriage will definitely continue to deteriorate if things continue this way. Over two years. he literally is home all day long. Sorry, Im getting off topic. He chose to just run around to his various sporting pursuits, do the odd course and turn our two children into his personal performance sporting stars. He seems ignorant that because hes home a lot the heating and electricity bills are higher than when I lived alone, that my food bills have gone up. When you do it all mediate fights between the kids, run household chores, schedule doctors appointments, get everyone to bed you dont have the mental or emotional wherewithal to actually address it. But in govt sector i have little hope. I can and have used public transportation to get to interviews before but a lot of times it wasnt reliable and kind of made a stressful and anxious situation even worse. But i have to day i am crumbling. Sounds like hes a piece of work. Another person made fun of me for leaving a job after 4 years. He has been out of the work environment so long, he doesnt how to be in a work environment. Its very easy for someone who deals with someone infrequently or not at all to suggest that they cease and desist working and stay home especially when they arent going to be hanging around the home of the person making this suggestion. I am a hardworking, compassionate, kind person. To me, its almost like a math problem: I am now responsible for 100 percent of household payments, and still do about 60 percent of household labor. I think our marriage of 6 years is ending, because she despises men and hates her father and brother (her brother became a drug addict and put the family through HELL for 20 years and now, she sees all men as useless. Youll find that many ideas can cross multiple realms: Mental: Attend individual and/or group therapy. I want to watch tv to escape. He on the otherhand has been jobless for a combined total of at least 4 years. Finally, after hounding a factory and practically begging them to give him a job, they put him on. Most days in cooler months cause me to get angry as I dont see him accomplishing anything. Be open to what God may attempt to show you both through this experience. You are smart to learn so early. The problem is he is 51 and has been unable to find another job. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. One thing that really bothered me in those days was the fact that my sister was unable to know how money he earned on monthly basis. So end-up I do the cooking recently. Needless to say he got angry. Not sure whats goin on with a dude who has had 7 jobs in a short period of time.. Im about to go crazy! The hardest part is he had two cats when we got together and theyve slowly also become my cats, I could never leave themand I think he knows that. It works well for them. It was never that for me. In the process of letting go, mistakes will be made but theyll also be learned from. With just my income we are struggling as is, let alone paying rent. LOL). Its the first time I started to wonder if hes unable to stay employed. Ive never been in a situation to be a bread winner although I work 2 jobs (in the arts)and have never misrepresented myself in this regard. You are ASKING to remain abused in this way if you stay with him.beyond ridiculous on your part. Be strong. My issue was that I never felt supported when we were in this situation that he wasnt doing anything around the house whilst I worked 60 hrs a week, that he wasnt trying to find a job, that he wasnt happy for my work related successes. AT this point it seems really nice to think of only worrying about myself and letting him figure his own situation out. I know he can hold a job, but hes taking his time getting another one. How long do we have to support someone who, as much as we love them, cant seem to pull themselves up by their bootstraps? I hope everyone continues to hold onto, suicide is not the solution and neither is losing our life to unnecessary stress. Stooge.what a powerful and much needed message I, and every other abused woman needs to hear. ", While it's not clear if Tamara's husband agreed, he gave credit where it was due. I just dont know what to do anymore. All our savings- gone. Have You Tried Eating an Orange in the Shower? See, she blames herself as much as his parents. Now, whenever she calls, she always nag about money and to be honest, I find it painful. Its a tough balance. We moved into a bigger house as the kids needed bedrooms of their own. Like you said, youre having trouble even finding holiday temp work, which can depend on your location (maybe theres not much around). He still doesnt have a job but he has seen a doctor who has prescribed him some medication. Wishing you all the best in 2013 wherever your decision lies. I just want to yell at him! You are not comprehending what these women are posting apparently. Trying to make you feel bad before you have enough time to think about that statement. You are doing the best you can but your husband is selfish and has abandoned his responsibilities to your marriage. My husband has not worked since the birth of our second child and that was 8 years ago! Without even realizing, you may have fallen into an unspoken agreement about responsibilities around the house, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco.